Posts filed under ‘Attempt at humor’

In Defense…of sports

I’m not much of a sports fan these days.  I used to be a big fan of basketball, especially street basketball.  Running your mouth was just as an important part of the game as running an offense.  I love trash talk.  Sure its a bit urban for someone like me, but I can’t help get excited by blocking a shot (or getting blocked most likely) and being able to get up in someones “grill” and say “hell no, not in my house.  Get that shit out of here.  Boom!”.  Mad props to the mad defense skills.

Imagine if trash talk and street ball defense were commonplace in everyday activities and professions.  Just picture your baby momma in labor with her legs spread and her feet in the air with the babies head crowning through the birth canal.  In walks the OB doctor wearing his throwback Dr J #6 jersey.  When your girl starts pushing and the baby tries to hit the rim, ol’ boy smacks that baby right on the head and says “hell no, not in my house.  Get that shit back in there.  Boom.”   Thats some full court press and a back door offense.

Try it for yourself.  Go into the public library and wait for the librarian to restock some books.  When she tries to put back a book, just smack the book out of her hand and say “Facial! Ain’t no Dewey decimal in my house.  Boom!”.

It works everywhere, just don’t try to block this post or I will get all up in your grill.  Boom!

March 19, 2010 at 11:45 pm Leave a comment

H1N1

Why can’t I get H1N1?  Seriously, I need to lose some weight.  Everyone that I know who has been sick with the “Swine” has come back to “life” saying they lost this much weight.

To hell with Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem and good old fashioned exercise, I’m gonna get the flu.

I’ve been trying to get “Hinni” as the kids say, but I have been unfortunately unsuccessful.

I lick my hands right after shaking someone elses.  Nothing.  Maybe a little pee taste, but no flu.

Come on, what will it take?  I tried standing next to the sneeze guard at the salad bar, but nothing.  Doesn’t anyone sneeze around here?

I tried rubbing elbows in a crowded room.  Fail.   All those elbows being sneezed into and I got nothing.

Maybe I should hang out at the doctors office.  The office is actually segregated into the sick side and the not sick side.  I’m going to start taking my lunch break on the sick side.   Maybe I will get the H1N1 by drinking out of the same water fountain as someone one infected with this virus.

Bring it on and help me lose some pounds.

Next I just might be looking for Melanoma so I don’t look so pale.

February 6, 2010 at 1:59 am Leave a comment

Not Tested on Animals

I am proud to say that none of the products I use in the shower or in front of a mirror are tested on animals.

I have to wonder, why not?  It’s not natural, but animals should feel clean and fresh too.

I’d like to know that rabbits can have access to conditioner that intensifies multi-dimensional shine and moisturizes with vitamin enriched droplets.

Deer have such rough coats, maybe they would enjoy a shower gel that is supercharged with benefits that make it the worlds best daily luxury.

A luxurious lather, moisturizing Aloe Vera and nourishing Vitamin E that gently clean, soften and fragrance skin should not be reserved for humans.  Badgers and raccoons deserve to have that pleasure.

Camels would appreciate a face scrub that gently cleanses and conditions skin using a select blend of moisturizers, botanicals, and vitamins C and E, without pore clogging residue.  I know that for a fact.

Porcupines probably don’t even know that there is hair gel that offers a clean felling and lasting hold without build up.  Maybe they do, they must be using some product in their hair.  Every porcupine that I have ever seen has that look that has a maximum level of hold for an active lifestyle.

I’m not encouraging the testing of salon products on animals with or without harm, I am only suggesting that animals should have their lives enriched and improved with some health and beauty products right before we eat them.

January 22, 2010 at 3:21 pm Leave a comment

Doesn’t anybody knock around here

All is quiet throughout the house, my door is closed and the lights are dimmed.  Can’t sleep.  Time for a little entertainment.  As an adult, I’m entitled to some entertainment.  I grab the TV remote and go right to the DVR screen.  Its time for a little bit of fun. I find what I’m looking for and my eyes start to glaze and my smile broadens.  Maybe I’m making a little too much noise, but I like what I’m seeing.  Without notice and without introduction, my door opens.  Quickly, I scramble to find the remote to prevent further embarrassment.  Where is the remote?  Under the covers?  On the floor? Under the pillow?  It can’t be found.  It’s too late, I’ve been found.  Totally embarrassed and not sure how to talk my way out of it.  I guess, honesty is the best answer.

Yes, that is exactly what you think it is and yes I was watching it with excitement.  Again, I am an adult and I am entitled to entertainment.  Is it wrong for me to DVR programs that provide me certain stimulation and enjoyment?

I want to feel young again.  I want to watch and DVR Yo Gabba Gabba on Nick Jr.  It is a good show.

This show rocks.  So what if it is on Nick Jr and targets 5 year olds.  The show is so damn cool.  Its funny, its hip, its my little guilty pleasure.  Dj Lance Rock is a perfect host.  He is funny, he is smily and has such a cute childish personality.  Dj Lance Rock teaches me how to dance during Dancey Dance Time.   The guest stars certainly are appealing enough to entice me to record the show.  The Jack Black episode is probably the most well known episode, but I really dig the Biz Markie segments.  Yes, Biz Markie from 1989 “Just a Friend”.  Biz’s Beat of the Day makes me smile like a 15 year old seeing Biz Markie for the first time.

You won’t see U2 on Yo Gabba Gabba, but there are some great musicians that have recorded segments.  Shiny Toy Guns, the Ting Tings, the Shins, MGMT and other great young up and coming groups have hung out with Dj Lance Rock, Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodee.  You will have to check out the show to see what each of these characters bring to the show.  Its totally entertaining.

Now that my secret is out, I guess I can be proud and loud when I proclaim my enjoyment for Yo Gabba Gabba.  Check it out and let me know what you think.  If you don’t have Nick Jr, go to YouTube.

Remember,you might want to knock the next time you see a closed door and hear chuckles.  It just might be me watching a little Yo Gabba Gabba.

January 9, 2010 at 11:46 am Leave a comment

My crown vic can stalk you

I am starting to believe that retired squad cars should not be re-sold.  I see so many Ford Crown Victorias on the road that make me think the police are after me.  When I take a closer look I realize that police officers are lacking dental hygiene these days or some red neck hillbilly is driving around a retired Crown Vic.  It would be different if the extra radio antennas and spotlights were removed, but it is difficult to differentiate the good from the bad and the ugly.  I am sure I would know better if one of these crown vics were making their headlights wig wag behind me, but others just might pull over for these wannabe law men.   It must be easy to impersonate a police officer when you drive their hand me down Crown Vics.  All it takes besides the car is a gullible suspect to harass.

Although, I am working with some independant film makers who need a squad car for one of their “love scenes”.  Since I am doing props and I already got the ‘cuffs and the billy stick all I really need is the squad car…oh and extra lube.

January 4, 2010 at 8:31 pm Leave a comment

Ten Thirty One

Halloween time! It’s my favorite holiday. What other holiday is it OK for women to dress up like whores and get away with it? Well besides Easter. Those flower dresses and bonnets are pretty slutty. Wearing crotch-less panties with your Sunday’s best is the Christian thing to do.

Halloween is the holiday for hypocrites though. Even the most homophobic man will dress up like a woman on Halloween. These guys will shave their legs, duct tape their balls to their assholes and put on a dress all in the name of Halloween. These same homophobes are afraid to sit down to pee because it’s a little too gay, but on Halloween it’s a different story.

Hell, anything can happen at a Halloween party. Bobbing for apples is a lot like giving head, except without the banana being crammed down your throat.

When I was growing up, the easiest costume was a hobo or a bum. This year it is going to be difficult to tell the difference between Halloween bums and real bums. You know the people on the side of the road with the signs that say “I need money for food for my kids”. That would suck to be in that position, but it would be an easy costume. Hell, they got it made on Halloween. Just get a bucket and go door to door. We won’t even know they are begging just flip over the card board sign and write “Trick or Treat”.

I love Halloween candy in every shape and size. Fun size, snack size, full size, its all good. I remember growing up going trick or treating and every year there would be “rumors” of some house giving away full size candy bars. These urban legends were tricks to thin the cluster of kids at each door. Once told there was a house with full size bars, the greedy kids of the pack would head straight to that house. People giving out candy tend to give smaller portions when there is a large group. But when there are only 2 or 3 knocking, you just might get a hand full of fun size instead of just one. When there is a large group, you are most likely to only get one fun size. Fun Size? What the hell is this meant to be? This is the “dick tease” of candy. Its just enough to get you wet, but not enough to satisfy you.

I’ll take any candy except Bit o’ Honey. This is not candy. This stuff was created by dentists looking to make money refilling your cavities. I swear every time I eat Bit o’ Honey, I lose a filling. People my age, know what I’m talking about. Our fillings are not these fancy tooth colored composite fillings; our fillings are bits of tin foil dipped in mercury. The kind of filling that when you touch it with a metal fork, you get an electric shock throughout your whole mouth. Trying to eat dinner turns into a game of Operation. If you don’t have a steady hand its….buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaappp.

October 16, 2009 at 11:06 am Leave a comment

Vice Break

As a non-smoker, I have realized that I miss out on alot of breaks from work.  Smokers get to step outside for multiple breaks throughout the day.  While they are puffing away, I am slaving away at my desk.  I never plan to pick up smoking, not even Capri or Virginia Slims.  Smoking is just not my thing, but I do want extra breaks.  Maybe I should start taking breaks for my habits and vices.

I’m gonna start looking at porn on break.  9AM, 11AM, 2PM, 4PM will be my porn break.  Now the sign that says “You’re butts go here” serves 2 purposes.

July 26, 2009 at 9:52 am 1 comment

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