Naughty Christmas

So here is the “play” that I wrote for the New World Arts 24/7 event.  7 playwrights are locked in a coffee shop over night and are to write a 10 minute play for 7 directors and 14 actors to rehearse and perform the next evening.  This year was a christmas theme.  I decided to write a small scene instead of a full play.  The intention of my scene was to get the audience in a good mood and sing together.  The director and the actors did a great job and indeed got the audience all singing together.  Great job to them. 

We had to use two specific phrases in our play: “well merry christmas to you too”, “ho, ho, ho”  and “humbug”.

Naughty Christmas

By

Steve Freeto

(Christmas Eve-Interior-Dining table-A young couple Amber and Curt are drinking coffee and sharing favorite childhood Christmas memories.) 

 

Amber:  So what was your favorite Christmas song as a kid?

Curt:  (taking a sip of coffee and thinking) It has to be the one with the reindeer.

Amber:  Rudolph the red nosed reindeer?

Curt:   (leaning back in the chair and recalling the song title) Yeah, that one.  I loved that song.

Amber:  (lovingly grabbing Curt’s hand) Sing it to me. 

Curt:  (reluctant to sing) You want me to sing you Rudolph the red nosed reindeer?

Amber:  (standing up and with enthusiasm) Yes!  Why not?  It’s your favorite song.

Curt:  (disagreeing with Ambers statement)I didn’t say it was my favorite song.

Amber:  (correcting herself and sitting back down) Ok, it’s your favorite Christmas song. 

Curt:  Right.  That song actually gave me motivation and inspiration as a kid.

Amber:  (quickly responding with wit) Why did you have a very shiny nose?

Curt:  (acknowledging the humor) Maybe I did and maybe all of the other kids used to laugh and call me names.

Amber:  (laughing and singing the jokey version of the song) Like Pinochio?   (pausing and seductively pleading) Come on sing it to me.

Curt:  (embarrassed to sing) I’d rather you sing it to me, since it is my favorite song (with sarcasm). 

Amber:  I only know the naughty version.

Curt:  (confused and doubting) There’s a naughty version?

Amber:  Of course there is.  It’s full of one liners and innuendo.

Curt:  (still doubting) What?  No way.  You are making this up.

Amber:  Well I can’t quite remember the lyrics but if you sing the original version I will remember the naughty one.

Curt:  (realizing that Amber is trying to trick him into singing).  Yeah, right.  I am not going to sing to you.  You know I don’t like to sing. 

Amber:   (irritated at Curt’s reluctance) Well Merry Christmas to you too.

Curt:  (irritated at Amber’s persistence) This is ridiculous.  There is no such thing as a naughty Rudolph the Red Nose reindeer.

Amber:  Just think about it. All of those reindeer names sound like names of exotic  dancers; you know Prancer, Vixen, Blitzen, Roxie, Bambi, Destiny.

Curt:  Haha Destiny is not a reindeer name. 

Amber:  Not in your song, but she is in mine.  Ho, Ho, Ho!  

Curt:   (irritated at her attempt at humor) Well you can’t be a humbug and ruin my favorite Christmas song by turning it naughty.

Amber:  (Holding Curt’s hand attempting to comfort him)I was merely telling you that there is a naughty version and simply asking you to sing your favorite Christmas song to me.

Curt:  (conceding) Well, I will only sing if you join me.

Amber:  (laughing at her own response) You want me to join in your reindeer games?

Curt:  Well, it is Christmas Eve and it is foggy outside.

Amber:  Ok.  You start it.

Curt:  (begrudgingly singing) You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer…

Amber: (joining) and Vixen and Destiny

Curt:  (laughing) I can just imagine those reindeer games.

Amber:  See I told you every Christmas song has a naughty version. 

Curt:   Good luck making a naughty version of “Frosty the Snowman”

Amber:  I bet there is one already.  (blinking eyes and looking cute) So, are you going to finish singing to me or not?

Curt:  You are so persistent and cute. 

Amber:   (smiling)  That’s why you love me. 

Curt:  (standing and hugging Amber) It is true.  I couldn’t imagine spending Christmas with anyone else.

Amber:    (fawning) Aww. I love you Curt.

Curt:  Merry Christmas, I love you too Amber.  Let’s sing.

Amber/Curt:  (singing with joy-attempt to get audience participation)

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen.,
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it,
You could even say it glows.

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names;
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say:
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?

Then how the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
You’ll go down in history.

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