Halloween time! It’s my favorite holiday. What other holiday is it OK for women to dress up like whores and get away with it? Well besides Easter. Those flower dresses and bonnets are pretty slutty. Wearing crotch-less panties with your Sunday’s best is the Christian thing to do.

Halloween is the holiday for hypocrites though. Even the most homophobic man will dress up like a woman on Halloween. These guys will shave their legs, duct tape their balls to their assholes and put on a dress all in the name of Halloween. These same homophobes are afraid to sit down to pee because it’s a little too gay, but on Halloween it’s a different story.

Hell, anything can happen at a Halloween party. Bobbing for apples is a lot like giving head, except without the banana being crammed down your throat.

When I was growing up, the easiest costume was a hobo or a bum. This year it is going to be difficult to tell the difference between Halloween bums and real bums. You know the people on the side of the road with the signs that say “I need money for food for my kids”. That would suck to be in that position, but it would be an easy costume. Hell, they got it made on Halloween. Just get a bucket and go door to door. We won’t even know they are begging just flip over the card board sign and write “Trick or Treat”.

I love Halloween candy in every shape and size. Fun size, snack size, full size, its all good. I remember growing up going trick or treating and every year there would be “rumors” of some house giving away full size candy bars. These urban legends were tricks to thin the cluster of kids at each door. Once told there was a house with full size bars, the greedy kids of the pack would head straight to that house. People giving out candy tend to give smaller portions when there is a large group. But when there are only 2 or 3 knocking, you just might get a hand full of fun size instead of just one. When there is a large group, you are most likely to only get one fun size. Fun Size? What the hell is this meant to be? This is the “dick tease” of candy. Its just enough to get you wet, but not enough to satisfy you.

I’ll take any candy except Bit o’ Honey. This is not candy. This stuff was created by dentists looking to make money refilling your cavities. I swear every time I eat Bit o’ Honey, I lose a filling. People my age, know what I’m talking about. Our fillings are not these fancy tooth colored composite fillings; our fillings are bits of tin foil dipped in mercury. The kind of filling that when you touch it with a metal fork, you get an electric shock throughout your whole mouth. Trying to eat dinner turns into a game of Operation. If you don’t have a steady hand its….buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaappp.