Vice Break

As a non-smoker, I have realized that I miss out on alot of breaks from work.  Smokers get to step outside for multiple breaks throughout the day.  While they are puffing away, I am slaving away at my desk.  I never plan to pick up smoking, not even Capri or Virginia Slims.  Smoking is just not my thing, but I do want extra breaks.  Maybe I should start taking breaks for my habits and vices.

I’m gonna start looking at porn on break.  9AM, 11AM, 2PM, 4PM will be my porn break.  Now the sign that says “You’re butts go here” serves 2 purposes.

Employees Must Wash Hands

This sign is in every restaurant restroom, at least ones that employees have access to use.  Evidently, this is required by the health department.  I think the sign should be changed to “Employees and customers must wash hands”.  Its bad enough that we need a sign to remind employees that urine soaked hands are not acceptable, but whats the use of this sign if customers don’t wash up either.  If there isn’t a paper towel to use on the door knob, employees have no chance of getting through the door that some dirty hand customer just turned.  Maybe I have too many quirks and concerns over cleanliness, but customers need to be just as clean as employees. 

Oh, washing your hands includes soap and should last 30 seconds.   

 BTW, if you have urine soaked hands…please go back to potty training.

I’m sorry we don’t take cash.

I can’t believe I heard those words in this country.  I was actually told this by a United Airlines flight attendant.

The fabulous staff of United Airlines were providing me with the opportunity to fly on 3 of their airplanes, all in the same day.  I had to traipse across 4 different airports and didn’t have much discretionary time.  No time to really eat a luxurious airport meal.  Knowing that the can of “free” soda was not going to be  enough to satiate my hunger, I decided that I wanted…no…needed a $6.00 snack box filled with thousands of grams of sodium, hundreds of grams of fat and uber-caloric savory treats, especially since the bags of pretzels or peanuts disappeared with the terrorists.

I was actually going to consume crackers and cheese along with dried fruit and a cookie.  Everything in the “Mini-Meal” was somewhat appetizing, well except the beef salami.  Not a fan of beef.

I reached into my wallet and grabbed exact change.  I was prepared to exchange a Lincoln and a Washington for my mini meal.  I figured this would be plenty of energy to get me through my trek around the country.  I went north, south and east just to go west, but some kibble would help the journey.

Well I was quite shocked when it was my turn to provide my beverage choice (Apple Cran or Giner Ale) and make my snack selection.  Oh, my cup was filled with a beverage but my gullet remained empty.  I was taken aback when the flight attendant refused my USD…cash money in exact change.  She said…well…the title of this post is what she said.  “You don’t take cash?” I said, dumbfounded.  “Major credit card only.”, she retorted.  My usual quick wit and playful tongue couldn’t respond.  I simply waved her on and sipped my ice filled splash of soda.  I couldn’t believe it.

Why not take cash, especially exact change?  Is the airline afraid of being robbed by passengers or the crew?  Really, who is going to think about stealing $6 when there is a copy of Hemisphere magazine for entertainment?

Quirks

Here are some random quirks about me.  I would say “In no particular order”, but one of my quirks involves the order of things.  I guess the list officially starts with the #2 then…

1. see above.
2. I do not go bare feet in a hotel room.  I will wear socks everywhere except the shower.
3. Related to hotel rooms, I do not touch the cover blanket or comforter on the bed.
4. I sing Huey Lewis and the News “I wanna new drug” when I take pills.
5. I wave at babies and toddlers as if we are related.
6. I refused to touch cloves of garlic when I worked at a grocery store in high school.
7. I’m a homebaser and will deal with extreme pressure to honor that status.
8. I pinch my nipples.  Wait is that a quirk or just a fetish?
9. I try to look at a digital clock when it is 4:20.  I get excited when I get both 4:20’s in the same day.
10. If I am looking at a digital clock at 10:13, I say “Chris Carter”.
11. I used to chew on the neck line of my tshirts as a pre teen until there were holes.
12. The sight of chewed bubble gum makes me ill.
13. I punch drug dealers in the face and steal their money.  Ok, this isn’t a quirk but a dream of mine to rid society of drug dealers who do not get punched in the face by me.