White Trash Revolution

Based on current economic conditions and the forecast for tomorrow and beyond, the United States is on the way to “white trash”.  Not yet the couch on the front lawn by the ‘72 Impala with the hood up, no engine, hooptie sitting on cinder blocks white trash, but damn near.

Trust me its a slippery slope.  All of us have to be frugal, we have to watch how we spend our money.  Once we pay for our blackberry, our DSL, our Netflix subscription, our Best Buy payment for that 48″er, our downloaded content for RockBand 2, and our daily restaurant visit for B L D, well beyond those 2 morning and evening Venti Starbucks, and everything in between, there’s not much left.  If there is anything left, its time to pay rent and those car payments.

There has to be a little white trash in all of us.  No more Petits Fours, its time for Hostess Twinkies.  Better yet, its time for Mrs Freshly’s version of the Twinkie.  What is it?  The Twanky?  It’s Twanky time!

No more friday night movie theatre trips full of popcorn, soda and candy.  Its time go do it white trash style.  Go to the side door at noon, I will sneak you in. We will stay all night.  Oh, don’t forget your big ol’ purse full of pork rinds and funyuns.  Make room for that Yoo-Hoo, too.  Let’s go to the lobby, let’s go to the lobby, but we ain’t spending, we just looking.  And we are not watching a Merchant/Ivory production.  No Remains of the Day,  we are gonna watch some Paul Blart Mall Cop.  Something to take our mind off the situation.  If  something from the Blue Collar Tour is there, we watchin that too.

No more Presidents Day furniture sales.  That sofa sectional will have to wait.  Its Rent-A-Center.  $25 per week for 104 weeks and the couch and love seat will be paid off.  Boom!  Thats how we do it.

When the power gets shut off, its time to run that power cord to the neighbors house.  That’s the real hook up.

No more Il Divo, more like El Diva-Gretchen Wilson style.  A little red neck woman is all we need.

Moet & Chandon Champagne will remain on ice.  For us its back to basics.  PBR, Red White & Blue, Natural Light, and Old Milwaukee will provide the direction and motiviation to bounce back.  I think it was Paul Bunyan or Jeff Foxworthy that said, “you got to hit rock bottom before you can bounce back” or something like that.

At the bottom is where we start our climb to the top.  We have done this before and we can do it again.

The greatest thing about the 1970’s was the 1980’s.  Glam is right around the corner.

The greatest thing about the last 8 years is the next 4 years!

Time to put the wheels on the Impala and go cruising!

2 Ply Facial Quality

Based on current economic conditions, certains corners should be cut and pennies need to be pinched.  Buy store brand, clip coupons, and take advantage of sales and specials.  Every cent will add up and the savings will contribute to the rainy day fund.  I just saved $8 today using coupons and buying items on sale.  $8 more dollars to be squirreled away for that day it rains and I want to spend money.

Wow! A four pack of Angel Soft toilet paper for $.79.  Thats less than $.20 per roll and it is 2 Ply facial quality.  Yay for 2 Ply, that must be 2 times better than 1 ply.  Based on the price and the brand name, it will be like 2 layers of angels sitting on my face, now that is quality.   

Patterns of butterflies and flowers are raised on the 2 ply surface on each square sheet.  Angel Soft, you are ready for me.  I can’t wait to be ready for you.  I sure hope the store brand organic peanut butter helps me loosen up for the heavenly sit down. 

This just in, the peanut butter works.  I have also realized that the wings of angels are ruffled and tufted.  There is nothing angelic or soft about Angel Soft.  Pardon the alliteration, but the ruffles and ridges are really rough on the rectum.  Those butterflies and flowers are misleading as its more like porcupines and tree bark.  

I draw the line when it comes to toilet paper.  Angel Soft, you are neither.  You should be called Devil Scabrous as you are evil and definitely not smooth.  

Cottonelle, you make my whirl’d go round and round.

09 Things to Look Forward To This Year

January to September provide 3/4 of the excitement of my new year.   Months October through December cannot ever be mentioned again.  Don’t ask, don’t tell is a perfect policy.  If you want a clue, here are things I wont be doing during the last 1/4 of the year:  I won’t be mud wrestling midgets for money on Monday nights (at least not again.  My inner thighs are still bruised),  I won’t be turning down congenital visits, and I won’t be ready to tell all in my autobiography, but I will ghost write an unauthorized blog.

Here is my list of things to look forward to each month:

01     To quote a bumper sticker that I saw on a rusty 1988 Chevy Celebrity Wagon, “1-20-09 The End of an Error! ” Obviously the owner of this vehicle is not a Bush fan, which is great but I was conflicted by the sticker that had a picture of the earth with the tag line “Love Your Mother”.   This exhaust fume spewing, corrosion dripping hooptie ride leaves a carbon skid mark much larger than my footprint at each stop, turn and go.  Learn to Love your mother by killing the Celebrity.

02    The digital TV transfer is finally revealed to be a government conspiracy to get even deeper into your home.  1984 and Fahrenheit 451 foreshadowed this government immersion.  Time to rebel and make a statement.  I’m planning on combining Fight Club, V for Vendetta, A Clockwork Orange, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, and Rear Window to fight that power.  Public Enemy soundtrack optional, Chuck D is mandatory.  Don’t let that box into your house.

03    Looking forward to                  (this space intentionally left blank as I cannot share my excitement about March without wetting my tighty whities).

04     Depeche Mode brings new music in the month of April.  Maybe this release will make me a little more excited and less nostalgic.   I was completely excited as the months built up for the new release from the Cure back in 2008.  The singles Perfect Boy and Freakshow created so much nostalgia for me and the 1990’s sound of the Cure, I completely forgot to support the whole album release in October.   The DM singles will get me excited and I will spin Violator or Music for the Masses for a while and try not to miss the new release day of the full album.  Oh and April also brings birthdays for many friends.  Here are your birthday wishes.  You know who you are, so don’t blame me if I forget.  I was first to wish you HB.

05     There will be another dead celebrity this year besides the Chevy as listed above.  Scott Weiland will die.  I am not necessarily looking forward to his death, but I am excited about watching the VH1 special.

06     Buy One Get One Free loaves of bread.   Can’t beat that!

07  July 2, 2009 brings the half way point of the calendar year.  Half left or half gone?   Looking forward to taking my white ass to the beach and getting some color in me.  That sounds dirty!

08    Half way to 70.  Mid-life crisis here I come.  What shall I do?  Sports car?  Young dates?  Glam drugs?  Exotic vacation?  Singles cruise?  Oops, my mid-life was 5 years ago and I forgot to have a crisis.  Always a day late and a penny wiser.

09     Fame gets a remake into a major motion picture.  Debbie Allen, Bebe Neuwirth, and Megan Mullay!  What more can you ask for?  OMG I must be the love child of Perez Hilton and Ellen Degeneres (assuming that Ellen strapped one on and got Perez pregnant and I was birthed through that canal)!

After further review, this list is a waste of your time.  I am sorry you got this far.  I owe you one of the following:  a roll of nickles or a back rub?  Your choice!

Hi its me!

I hate the “Hi its me”.  Which “me” are you?  Could be anyone.  I only have one “me” in my life that I care about, and it is me.   The you “me” could be any one of you.  In fact all of you should be a me, but not to me just to you.  Feel free to call yourself “me”, but just do not say it to me.  I am “me” and you could be “you”.  Just say” Hi its the me that you want me to be the you that is not a me” and I will know that it is you.

Thank you and goodbye from me!

08 Reasons why last year sucked

Did it really?  Maybe not if you are alive to see 2009.  Stop complaining about how much 2008 was a bad year.  Most of us have dealt with many of the same issues.  These complaints have been shared with me throughout the year (typically unsolicited).

01.     The price of gasoline. Sure we all remember $4.17 per gallon of regular gasoline.  Next time you pump your gas take a look at the guy next to you.  That mofo will be me and I will be paying the same as you, so quit whining.
02.     Dead Celebrities. Heath Ledger died, oh the humanity.   Why him?  People die, get over it.  Dark Knight was good, he’s dead.  Enough said.
03.     The price of food. Blame it on the use of corn as an alternative fuel.  Do you want options other than fossil fuels?  You take the good and you take the bad.  I do believe that’s the facts of life.  Corn or oil?
04.     Presidential Election. Some say the campaigns started 2 years ago.  I say it was 4 or even 8 years ago.  I would say “W” is a lying SOB, but Barbara is a good woman.  “W” is an ignorant stupid ass, lying mofo, we needed to have a long campaign duration to remind you people that your vote counts. A change will be here soon enough.
05.     War in Iraq. “W” is an ignorant stupid ass, lying mofo…”  Enough said.  Thank you to all who protect me and mine.
06.     Recession.  Poor economic decisions, lead to a poor economic state.  I know you struggle and you have no money.  I have to ask, where do you get cash for smokes?  How do you pay for the pint after pint at the pub?  Oh I know its PBR and the quantity is greater than the quality.  Money is tight all over, use yours wisely.
07.      Unemployment. It is tough.  Good jobs are hard to find.   There just aren’t any jobs left.  Sure there are, you just do not want to work hard.  There has to be a means of livelihood in this country, especially if there are people willing to “escape” into the country just to get those jobs.  Hang in there, something will happen for you.
08.     Weight gain.  Here is a diet plan for you:  Stop driving everywhere.  Maybe walking a little bit more from point A to B or even taking a farther parking space instead of driving around for minutes waiting for that perfect front row parking space will help burn some calories and save gas.  You say with the recession and the price of food, it is difficult to eat healthy.  Really?  Put down the Mrs Freshlys Nutty Ho’s and eat wisely. Maybe plant a garden.  Eat what you grow.  Sell what you grow.  Grow, buy, sell local.  Help yourself and help others.  Carrots never made anyone fat, its the oil and fat in the ranch dressing that you douse all over the goodness of the earth.  Grow natural, eat your greens.

Don’t ruin my 2009.  Lets make a deal.  If you do something to help yourself instead of whining and complaining, I will listen to your stories. Tell me how great your kids are doing, tell me all about your vacation plans, tell me about all of the great things going on in your life.  Think positive and it will happen.  Quit being mopey, flip that frown around and start 2009 with a smile.

I had a great 2008.  There were some ups and down and ins and outs, but thats enough about my personal life.  I am alive to see 2009 and beyond.  Enough said.