Marquee Motivation

No longer is it about 5 roast beef sandwiches for $5.95, nor is it about the BOGO (Buy One Get One) movie rentals, it is about motivation and spreading a message. The idea of using the storefront marquee to promote the product or service is long gone. That 15 ft high billboard in the sky has turned into drive by propaganda to offer sentiment, motivation, advice, and inspiration.

An appliance store, you know, the place to buy the machines that clean the blood and semen (some yours, some not) from your new jeans, offers pregnancy advice instead of promoting product. I want to know how much is the machine that dries my just washed clothing; free of the blood stain and somewhat free of the semen stain.

Instead of promoting appliances, I am told that “Abortion Kills! Choose Life. Your Mother Did”. Really? Abortion Kills? That’s redundantly obvious. Unless there is someone driving by at 55 MPH who does not know that the act of abortion is about removing the “itsy bitsy, teeny weenie” baby parts from the uterus of strong woman making a tough decision, this message is unnecessary. Now, I would understand if at the local Dry Cleaners, the marquee listed the sales promotion of “BOGO Dry Cleaning and Abortions”. See, there really is a use for those wire hangers from the dry cleaners. Sell me a washing machine; don’t tell me what to do with my unwanted combination of egg and sperm. Coincidently, down the road from the appliance store, the marquee at Wendy’s said: “You have a choice”…….. Roe v. Wade all over again.

For those that pay attention to the Abortion Kills sign or don’t have the coupon for the dry cleaner/uterus scrape, it is common practice to announce the childbirth of one of the employees right there on the marquee. Nothing better than having your co-workers congratulate the successful trip through the birth canal of your offspring by having the announcement posted right there in front of the building on a sign. Who really cares that Cara and Mike named their live fetus Ashley? Its a hair salon! I’ll take one of those candy bars labeled “Here She Is” instead.

I want to know when I can buy a case of beer for $12.99. I want to know what new releases are on DVD this week. I want to know how much it will cost me for a car wash. I want to know what time the store is open and more importantly what time the store closes. I do not care to hear about the political beliefs of the car wash. Last time I checked, car washes do not vote (check local voting rules).

If I want advice or inspiration, I will seek it from the same place that everyone does: fortune cookies!

I heart Q Tips

I often try to be frugal and consider buying store brand or generic products. Is there a difference between National or Store brand? Not often; pickles are pickles. Pickled cucumbers taste the same from Vlasic to the jar with the black and white label “PICKLES”. As Forrest Gump would have said, assuming Forrest Gump was real and had the ability to offer profound statements on a regular basis, “Pickles is Pickles”. Anyway, I still have Fruit Loops in my cupboard, but sometimes there are Frooty Loopys too.

Where I draw the line is at cottony ear sticks. I love Q tip brand ear sticks. I refuse to use anything else to clean my inner ear and outer rectum. The joy, the comfort, the excitement about using a Q Tip brand is beyond compare. There is so much cotton at both ends of that blue stick. Its almost as if I was making S’mores with a fluffy marshmallow on both ends of my toasting rod and then sticking that into a dirty orifice on my body.  Those other brands are like the first time you have sex.  Sure it looks like something that belongs in the hole, but its probably not big enough and just might poke your ear drum.

I know that Q Tip is much like Dixie Cup, Kleenex, and Mrs Butterworth, where the proper name is most often referred to as the common name for all products of that type. When someone sneezes and shoots nostril gel all over their face, the request will be; “Pardon me, could I bother you for a Kleenex, young lady?”. Now when I bring a generic tissue to this person with questionable hygiene or uncontrollable allergies who cannot tell that I am a man and not a young lady, there is no complaint of “I’m sorry Miss, but this is not Kleenex brand, this is store brand purchased for a two dollar savings. I can tell by the way that my snot blows right through the single layer of rice paper.” There actually will be a request for more of the product; “Please be a sweet little girl and grab your Auntie Mike another Kleenex. I still have snot on my eyelids.”.

Its the same with pancake syrup. When I was growing up, I did not have that curvaceous bottle of syrup with that tall, dark, sexy momma with the twist off lid, I had “Syrup”. Oh I wanted that Mrs Butterworth bottle thats for sure. After that one incident, my Auntie Mike refused to buy Mrs Butterworth (All I wanted to do was return the favor and get that bottle sticky). I had to make the dress, the apron, the busom, and those mother of 8 hips, but I still called my generic Syrup “Mrs Butterworth”.

Enough about my prom. Q Tip brand ear sticks rock. If you don’t know this already, you just don’t know how to appreciate the joy of cleaning your inner ear or outer rectum.

Welcome back to a summers eve

I totally forgot about this whole blogging thing. I really thought it would all just fade away, much like parachute pants and property taxes. Guess not. So many people use blog as a both a verb and a noun. I wish I could drop the word “blog” in everyday conversation with ease. Much like the word “douche”, I just cannot find the right time or topic to include the word “blog” without sounding sexist or old. Maybe I need to combine the two words and create a description to describe what this post truly is; a Douche Blog! I think that is a bad thing, right? Or maybe not. Since I do not have dirty naught girl bits, or even naughty girl bits for that matter, I do not really know that much about the douche activity. I guess “douche” is alot like “blog” as it can be a noun and a verb. If my “blogging” stinks like celery and vinegar, it will be time to douche the post clean. Sure! That sounds about right…