Employees Must Wash Hands

This sign is in every restaurant restroom, at least ones that employees have access to use.  Evidently, this is required by the health department.  I think the sign should be changed to “Employees and customers must wash hands”.  Its bad enough that we need a sign to remind employees that urine soaked hands are not acceptable, but whats the use of this sign if customers don’t wash up either.  If there isn’t a paper towel to use on the door knob, employees have no chance of getting through the door that some dirty hand customer just turned.  Maybe I have too many quirks and concerns over cleanliness, but customers need to be just as clean as employees. 

Oh, washing your hands includes soap and should last 30 seconds.   

 BTW, if you have urine soaked hands…please go back to potty training.

I’m sorry we don’t take cash.

I can’t believe I heard those words in this country.  I was actually told this by a United Airlines flight attendant.

The fabulous staff of United Airlines were providing me with the opportunity to fly on 3 of their airplanes, all in the same day.  I had to traipse across 4 different airports and didn’t have much discretionary time.  No time to really eat a luxurious airport meal.  Knowing that the can of “free” soda was not going to be  enough to satiate my hunger, I decided that I wanted…no…needed a $6.00 snack box filled with thousands of grams of sodium, hundreds of grams of fat and uber-caloric savory treats, especially since the bags of pretzels or peanuts disappeared with the terrorists.

I was actually going to consume crackers and cheese along with dried fruit and a cookie.  Everything in the “Mini-Meal” was somewhat appetizing, well except the beef salami.  Not a fan of beef.

I reached into my wallet and grabbed exact change.  I was prepared to exchange a Lincoln and a Washington for my mini meal.  I figured this would be plenty of energy to get me through my trek around the country.  I went north, south and east just to go west, but some kibble would help the journey.

Well I was quite shocked when it was my turn to provide my beverage choice (Apple Cran or Giner Ale) and make my snack selection.  Oh, my cup was filled with a beverage but my gullet remained empty.  I was taken aback when the flight attendant refused my USD…cash money in exact change.  She said…well…the title of this post is what she said.  “You don’t take cash?” I said, dumbfounded.  “Major credit card only.”, she retorted.  My usual quick wit and playful tongue couldn’t respond.  I simply waved her on and sipped my ice filled splash of soda.  I couldn’t believe it.

Why not take cash, especially exact change?  Is the airline afraid of being robbed by passengers or the crew?  Really, who is going to think about stealing $6 when there is a copy of Hemisphere magazine for entertainment?

Quirks

Here are some random quirks about me.  I would say “In no particular order”, but one of my quirks involves the order of things.  I guess the list officially starts with the #2 then…

1. see above.
2. I do not go bare feet in a hotel room.  I will wear socks everywhere except the shower.
3. Related to hotel rooms, I do not touch the cover blanket or comforter on the bed.
4. I sing Huey Lewis and the News “I wanna new drug” when I take pills.
5. I wave at babies and toddlers as if we are related.
6. I refused to touch cloves of garlic when I worked at a grocery store in high school.
7. I’m a homebaser and will deal with extreme pressure to honor that status.
8. I pinch my nipples.  Wait is that a quirk or just a fetish?
9. I try to look at a digital clock when it is 4:20.  I get excited when I get both 4:20’s in the same day.
10. If I am looking at a digital clock at 10:13, I say “Chris Carter”.
11. I used to chew on the neck line of my tshirts as a pre teen until there were holes.
12. The sight of chewed bubble gum makes me ill.
13. I punch drug dealers in the face and steal their money.  Ok, this isn’t a quirk but a dream of mine to rid society of drug dealers who do not get punched in the face by me.

The Lost Boy

I have had such an affinity for the movie “The Lost Boys”.  In 1987, I was a 13 year boy who loved rock n roll, vampires, and ”scary movies”.  The Lost Boys came along at the right time for me.  I was never into Star Wars or comics, Lost Boys was the perfect combination of everything that I was into.  Many years have gone by and I  have held this movie in high regard as an amazing film…until recently.  While flipping through channels in a hotel room, I stumbled across a showing of the movie that defined my childhood.  I was ready to travel back to the boardwalk of Santa Clara.  Boy, was I lost.  My movie was not the same.  The thrill, the excitement, the horror, the comedy, the desire to kill or be killed was gone.  I don’t think I can ever watch that movie again…it’s that bad.  I’m not sure if my nostalgia for the movie will return to the level of glory of 20 years ago.

I should have learned from this experience.  Memories from my formative years and even early twenties should remain memories.  I should not try to re-live the past.  Don’t mess with the past or the present will distort the future.

In the 90’s and early 2000’s, I loved the Lemonheads and Evan Dando.  Well, those memories took a stake to the heart on June 20, 2009 at the Abbey Pub in Chicago, IL.  I’ve seen the Lemonheads/Evan Dando four times.  Each time was an amazing experience.  At one show, I took off my favorite tee and throw it on stage for Evan.  It happened to land right on his guitar.  He picked it up, looked at it and kept it.  I didn’t mind being shirtless, especially since Evan Dando kept my tee shirt.  My most recent show was a few years ago at the Bowery Ballroom in NYC.  This was such an amazing show…I felt as if the entire set list was a tribute to me.

Such fond memories…until the show in Chicago.  Scary DJ Lady Sarah was pumping music into the joint while we waited for the opening acts.  I didn’t mind waiting as I was spending time with a dear friend.  Once the Handcuffs took the stage, I was ready to rock.  The set was good, until the megaphone came out.  Once is OK, but three or 4 songs with a megaphone is too much.  The best part of the set was the bass player who reminded me of Maggie Gyllenhaal from the movie ”Secretary”.

Now Now Every Children came on stage next.  Not much to say, I’m not hip enough to appreciate them yet.  I think they were born the year I graduated high school.  Now Now I feel old.

Midnight-ish  and Evan takes the stage.  Instantly I knew he and the rest of the band was wasted.  Eyes are meant to be open unless you are sleeping or blinking.  I swear the entire band was stoned on something stronger than weed, their eyes were barely open.  Allegedly, some of the band was seen snorting something before the set.  At least according to an employee who was on a smoke break.

The guitarist was barely old enough to be in Now Now Every Children, but there he was on stage with Evan.  The entire band had to tell him what to play, when to play and even how to play.  His guitar “playing” was horrid.  The feedback and distortion was such a distraction.

Trying to focus on Evan and the music was difficult too.  Maybe I’m too much a fan of clean hair and clean clothes, but Evan looked terrible.  What happened to People Magazines 50 most beautiful people from 1993?  Drugs will do that I guess.

The set list was impressive, I do have to admit.  It was a greatest hits set list; including all my favorite songs from Come on feel, It’s a Shame about Ray, Car Button Cloth and even Baby I’m Bored.  Songs like: Outdoor type, Favorite Tee, Allison’s Starting to Happen, Big Gay Heart, If I could talk I’d tell you, Hospital, Into your Arms, Great Big No…it could have been great, had the boys been sober enough to know that the audience wanted to be there.

I just couldn’t watch one of my music idols crash and burn right there in front of me.  Maybe its because I was standing right in front of the stage, but the band was barely holding it all together to get through these songs.  They all were so messed up (ok, maybe not the drummer).

I had to go outside and listen from afar.  So many people would come outside and comment on Evan’s demise.  Being 42 years old and without a recent hit, I’m afraid its too late for Evan.

I’m not giving up hope, but I wish Evan would give up dope.

At least I had all of the CD’s for the car ride home.  I got my monies worth right there in my car.

It’s a Shame About…Evan. 

If the two Cories can bounce back, so can you Evan Dando. 

Evan Dando

Monster Among Us

I always have lived  my life as if it is a horror movie.  Forever waiting for some bloody creature to rise from the depths of my basement ready to kill. Its the thrill of that potential chase.  I’m certainly not going to run unless I am being chased, we all know that.  Great horror movies have a murderous villain that you don’t necessarily root for, but you kinda feel sympathetic and somewhat have an understanding.  Maybe they need a hug or something.  Every move I make, I consider the many possibilities of melodramatic background music.  The build up…the anticipation… the crescendo!

When I meet that monster, I will destroy it.  If it is a “Zed word” type monster, I will cut off it’s head.  If it is a vampire, I will drive a stake through its heart.  If it is a mad knife wielding puppet, I will yank that knife away from the little guy and give him a hug.  I’ve got it all planned out, I will know what it takes to defeat evil!

It has never happened.   I have met some ghouls along the way, but no real monsters.  No knife fights, no battles, no kill or be killed moments.

How long will it take to meet that villain?  Where is the monster?

Dun dunt dah…I smell a red herring.

It is me that rises from the depths of the basement to terrorize.  It is me that causes fear and fright.  I now know why everyone screams and runs.  If only I had looked in the mirror long ago, I would have realized that I am JasonFreddyChuckyNosferatu!

I am the monster among us.

where o where

i know its been a while. i promise myself that i will post something soon.

Public Service Announcements

My desire to help others is really strong right now.  For whatever karmic reasons, I am doing quite well in my life.  Things are fab, but today always precedes tomorrow.  If we are lucky enough to see tomorrow, the only known gift that tomorrow will bring to the party of life is something called the unknown.  The unknown can alter the universe in ways that are unfathomable.  I do not fear the unknown, I simply live in the now.  Helping others is my cause and my concern.  Public Service Announcements (PSA’s) will allow me to broadcast my support of others.  My desire to bring others up where they might be down is my focus.  Thanks to my corporate sponsors, here are some PSA’s that just might help.

ProActive Solution presents:  Abstinence

No means no until the time is right.  If you are using ProActive Solution, you probably do not even know what question is that will prompt a “No”, but it will make sense when everything clears up.

Abstinence is important if you want to be able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you are making the right decison.  ProActive Solution is necessary if you simply want to look at yourself in the mirror.

Red Bull wants you to know about alcoholism!

If you find yourself drinking Vodka night after night while you are alone in your basement, you should seek help from family and friends.  These are two sure signs of a problem, drinking straight Vodka and drinking alone.  Red Bull International will solve your potential problem with alcohol.  Simply mix 1 can Red Bull with 4 oz Vodka.  Red Bull absorbs all of the alcohol in the Vodka and provides a tasty beverage for your enjoyment.  Don’t drink alone, just add Red Bull.  If Vodka is not your choice, Red Bull works great with Jagermeister.

Run with the Bull and you will never be alone.   Say goodbye to alcoholism and say hello to the Bull.

Male Escort

One wonders why cant  I be the title of this post?

One also wonders what is the role and the responsibility when performing as the title of this post?

One will never know, will one?

Probably not, especially at this age and shape.

I shall google male escort and see what…uh…”pops” up.

So I googled and realized I was right and wrong at the same time.

I was wrong in what I thought a male escort is and I was totally right that I cannot be a male escort.

Maybe I could be a MAIL Escort.  I will gladly walk old men and women to their mail boxes to retrieve the latest issue of AARP Monthly, the Avon Catalog, and those prescriptions from Canada.  I know times are tough and Social Security doesn’t provide enough to make the tired/gray ends meet, I work cheap.  Cash is so 5 years ago, bartering and trading is where its at.   I will swap my time and companionship for nothing more than a few pieces of candy at the bottom of nana’s handbag and maybe a few stories from the good ol’ days when times were tough.  Send me home with stories of struggle.  Let me know how easy I have it today.  I want to know about the pain and suffering from way back…you know the 80’s.  Tell me about parachute pants and rubicks cubes.  Only having 3 channels on the tele, oh the humanity.  Let me know about Nancy Reagon telling you to “just say no”.  Craziness about pop rocks and soda…how ever did you make it out alive?  Portable phones the size of a brief case, I can’t imagine.  What else?  I need to know.  Make me straighten out my life with your stories of getting busted making a bootleg recording of the Doobie Brothers concert.  What about baby Jessica?  I know if I hear that story one more time, I will never throw a baby in a well.  Don’t scare me by talking about the time before Apple computers.

I will be your Mail Escort…just beep me.  Here is my pager number…555 867 5309!

emotionally dry

its there somewhere

deep down inside

it peaks out and gets scared

one drip one single drop

the reasons are wide

but nothing arrives

why cant i cry

emotionally dry

9 month sentence

stuck in this room

no view of flowers in bloom

can’t find the door

life is such an evil bore

not even an open window

never can feel the wind blow

want to get out of here

i know i’m stuck, that is my fear

if only there was a way out

i’d be free, no doubt

gonna find a crack

bust out and never look back

the door in the floor

becomes what im looking for

escape into the night

heightens the fear

its cold and dark

afraid to embark

journey will have to end

that door was only pretend

stuck in this room

the comfort of the womb